Nerd Labs: Issue #6 - Hulks Little Green Monster

Hello everyone!

This week we will be learning about anatomy by looking at the incredible Hulk. Now, fair warning, this lesson deals with some more mature content than usual, so you may want to put on your big boy pants before reading this.

In comics, there are several timeless questions that haunt readers, and have done so for centuries. How does Superman shave? If an elevator lifts Mjolnir, is it worthy to be Thor? Exactly what happens to Bruce Banner’s genitals when he turns into the Hulk?

It is this final question we will be answering today, and the same one that has officially ruined my Google search history forever. 

The source of these train of thought came from a Reddit thread I was reading. The users were asking questions much in the same vain as the infamous horse/duck question. One question that arose was in regards to the Hulk’s genitals. It was roughly posed as such: “When the Hulk transforms, all of him transforms. This means that his penis should be too large to be useful. But if it stays the same, it would be too small to support his size, and thus useless again. But the Hulk has had children in several storylines. So how does it work?”

While the question is crude, it does give us an excellent jumping off point to discuss anatomy. 

To start off, lets begin with what we know to be true. That is, let’s start with what Marvel has stated as canon. 

Bruce Banner starts off at 5’ 9.5” in height, and 128lbs. Finding the size of the Hulk is a little ore difficult, as there are several different versions of the Green Goliath, and not all of them are green. For this discussion, we will use what is commonly called “Professor Hulk.” This Hulk is green, and maintains Banner’s intelligence. The reason we are choosing this one is that it falls in the middle of the spectrum of Hulks in regards to size, as well as it is the one with the most specific data that I could find. Professor Hulk is 7’6”, and 1,150lbs. Now, we are going to assume that Professor Hulk is still proportioned as a normal human, meaning that no part of him is larger than a regular human body part would be at that size. In reality, this varies with the artist drawing the Jade Giant, as well as any given drawing, making it impossible for us to accurately determine proportion changes. 

For the data we are using, we will ignore the weight change for now. The jump in weight comes from how much more muscle mass the Hulk does than Banner. Because we can’t accurately guess how dense his muscles are, it doesn’t really help us right now. 

So, during his transformation, Banner grows 1’8.5” in height. This is a growth by about 30%. Remember this. 

Now, the average penile length is 5.5”. Do with that information what you will. 

Several studies have been conducted to find variables that effect this, and dispelled some common misconceptions. Factors such as race and height to not effect penis size. Weight gain or weight loss, cholesterol, and general fitness can effect size, but only to a certain point, as one is born with what they got, so to speak. 

Now, let’s assume that Bruce Banner is average in this regard. He is below average in height and weight for an adult Caucasian male, but these are not factors that influence genital length, so it is not unfair to assume he is average in this regard. 

If you remember, Bruce Banner grows by 30% when he transforms. This was found from his height change, but by remembering that the proportions are constant, we can assume that the rest of his body grows at similar rates. This means that if he starts at the average of 5.5”, then at full Hulk-mode, he is rocking an emerald member that is 7.2”.

To put this into perspective, the world record for the largest penis in history was just shattered by Roberto Cabrera from Mexico, who measured in at 18.9,” over 2.5x the length of the Hulk’s penis. The Hulk would actually stand in the middle of the pack for most successful male actors in the adult film industry. 

To answer the original question, this actually means that the Hulk would be able to have a very healthy and active sex life, in regards to his size. Whether or not he would irradiate his partner is an entirely different question. 

This concludes this week’s issue. Now if you will excuse me, I need to purge my Google search history.

Cade